Equivocal Desire

I’m walking around the desert
of my body and mind
seeing what's left.
It’s a cold place
but I prefer the barrenness
to last night’s chaos. 

In my dawn clarity
I now realise
I mistook spontaneity
for compatibility
and attention for
kindness.
I misused my youth
as licence to
override myself. 

Casual is empowering
until it is dissatisfying.
I paid seventy-two dollars
to lubricate my mind
to forget my values
to invent my desire.

 I let the chaos of you
none of whom I wanted
none of whom felt right
enter my sacred home.
Enter my sacred life.