Padang Padang Beach, Uluwatu
2 December 2022 · Travel
Highs and lows
On this trip my experience oscillates between highs and lows. One moment I disbelieve that life could be so generous. Wow, this is it, I think. Lush jungle, morning yoga, fresh whole food. The tempo of life has crescendoed to now, woman in Bali, and I am free, alive, and radiantly me.
Then there are times, often after sunset and before moonlight, when I feel really alone. It’s humid and gloomy, and I’m weak from food poisoning. I feel sadness start to set; a grief that originated a long time ago. There’s weight on my heart, and a wall of resistance. I whine, can’t I have those happy feelings for longer? But no. As Brené Brown says, when you numb the vulnerability, you numb it all, including the joy.
Aside from highs and lows, there are also moments off the graph entirely. I’m not in agony here, but I’m preoccupied. Often I spend them orchestrating what’s next. Simple things like where to eat, what to wear, and when to sleep are big decisions that need perfect outcomes. I’m scheming, fixing up the future, not satisfied with what is.
The beauty lies in catching myself. If I’m caught in high, low, or off the curve, I’m unconscious. In a flash, I leave my mind and come back to earth, feet squelching in the muddy path, head cranked towards the rice fields, body gliding through water like a mermaid. Everything is perfect just as it is. It’s during these moments when I’m not up or down, I’m just being. There’s no story. No peaks, no troughs; if anything, just even terrain.