1 February 2024 · Heart
Patterns of Attraction
What makes us attracted to one person and not another?
I thought my radar for spotting the right person was intelligent. I thought it was accurate, and that it supported my growth and evolution. Turns out, I was wrong. Until recently, I sought out people – friends, mentors, lovers – not necessarily because I admired them or felt they were a good fit (though that was also at play), but because they felt familiar.
This is the subconscious at work – it draws you, in an uncanny way, toward people who remind you of your caregivers. You develop a “type”. This is not a choice. It’s why some of us end up in toxic relationships without quite knowing how we got there – being treated poorly (like a doormat, as the saying goes), not realising or voicing our needs, experiencing anxiety or dependency… it is all so familiar to us, it is “home” for our wounded inner child.
Freud called this process “repetition compulsion”. The subconscious attempts to master a situation from childhood that in some way failed. We failed because we didn’t achieve a state of believing we were loved and lovable, no matter what.
How does one break the pattern of seeking out familiar but unhealthy connections? Well, miraculously, life is giving me a chance to do just this, and by paying close attention, I can share my experience, with the hope that it helps other lost souls caught in the pursuit of dissatisfying connection.
In my past relationships, romantic and platonic and inbetween, I was drawn to unavailability. That got me going. The person might have been too busy, aloof, immature, critical, dysfunctional; and additionally, in the realm of romance, not over their ex, not wanting a relationship, or already in a relationship. On some level I knew these connections were not serving me, and yet, I desperately wanted them in my life. I felt I could manoeuvre myself around the obstacles and get the connection to work. It’s supposed to feel hard, isn’t it?
And then.
I met someone who does not feel familiar at all. This person doesn’t fit any of the (lousy but fixed) criteria. The “spark” I usually look for is absent. Only now do I understand that any spark I’d felt previously was actually anxiety. A feeling of chasing, craving, needing. This person, who stumbled onto my path – literally, we met walking in the park – entirely contradicts what I’d usually look for in a connection. And yet, on a level so deep it defies understanding, this person feels right for me, for now. He is sturdy, reliable, intrinsically loving. His heart is open. It feels like the spirit of life is showing me that I am ready to level up, to respect myself enough that I not only tolerate availability, but become attracted to it.
I believe this connection came in only because I was open to it. I have been working on loving myself, accepting myself, and sending myself compassion. These are not selfish acts. They are acts that allow us to better love others, withhold our snap judgments, and empathise with people’s struggles. Because I am doing the work and see that I actually do want the best for myself, I believe I was open to considering, even for a split second, someone available.
Before, I was so closed that I unanimously rejected people who wanted more than I did. I saw this trait as weak, unattractive, alien. But the shift in my seeing has started. It is odd, scary, and so revealing. It is nourishing all the same.
I believe we can master our situations from childhood. One way is to question our patterns of attraction, and if necessary, break them. I have begun and am yielding the fruits. For the first time in a long time, the anxiety in connection has evaporated.
I feel the most foreign feeling – ease.