A note about self-love

Sunset in Saipan, 2021

The idea of self-love

Does the idea of ‘self-love’ make you squirm? What about the idea of ‘loving other people’? That one’s easier, right?

Why do we, in the West, seem to value being selfless, condemn being selfish, and in doing all of this, miss out on being self-full? (This concept was coined by and is written about by Jessica Baum)

We’ve muddled things up, I think. It’s wonderful to care for others, but putting them first can be a disguise for putting yourself last. It’s not selfish to know what you need and give it to yourself. And, I believe we can only be there for others, for the right reasons, and without sacrificing our health, when we have a loving relationship to ourselves.

What does self-love look like?

It means you speak to yourself not as a critic, but as a supportive, loving friend.

It means you say the truth to friends, family, and strangers, even if it upsets them. It means you know what you need, and you make decisions that respect those needs. It means when someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t matter. It means when someone insults you, you don’t take it personally. They’re having a bad day, you might think, or, they must’ve had a bad childhood. Other people’s ways of being in the world begin to soften rather than harden you.

Ultimately, you go to bed at night without scoring yourself – no I’m good or I’m bad, just I am me, and that is enough.

Why don’t I already love myself?

There are two influences at play: childhood and culture.

When we’re little, what we want most in the world is for our most important humans – mum, dad, or whoever’s caring for us – to look at us, listen to us, and cherish us, no matter what we do. Our big hope is that in our sorrow they’ll comfort us, in our anger they’ll validate us, and in our triumphs they’ll celebrate us.

But our hopes get dashed.

If our caretakers, because of their own imperfect childhoods, couldn’t attune to us most or all of the time, then somewhere along the way a belief pops into our head and sinks into our entire being: I’m not worthy of their care and attention. I must be unlovable.

Of course, this is untrue. As Eastern spiritual traditions will tell us, and as you may have experienced at some point in your life, we are all one – nothing is separate, so we couldn’t possibly be separated from Love.

Think about it – do you see a pure innocent love in babies and children? It’s there, totally there, before we get raised in a competitive culture where ‘you’ and ‘me’, ‘love’ and ‘hate’, ‘worthy’ and ‘unworthy’ are part of the everyday vernacular.

These dualities and separations give rise to a state of not-enoughness – the feeling that you’ll be worthy of love only when you’re more than you are: more attractive, more intelligent, more rich, more successful. Then our culture, in the form of consumerism and advertising and the media, comes along, selling us ways to get ‘enoughness’, and then we have the perfect storm.

Okay, so how do I begin to build self-love?

If we work together, we’ll take a look at your deeply-entrenched beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. These are often subconscious – you might not go around in public saying, “I need perfect test scores to be loved”, “People always abandon me”, or “The world is a terrifying place”. But if these subterranean beliefs exist, they’ll be directing your life on the day-to-day level.

So, we’ll take a look at where your subconscious beliefs came from. What was it like for you growing up? How was school? Who taught you how to view the world? It can be scary and seem unnecessary to go into the past, but it’s just a visit – you don’t have to stay there (in fact, the whole point is to leave).

Then, we’ll start to undo some of the beliefs that don’t serve you.

When you’re ready, we’ll tend to some of those old wounds, letting all the parts of you feel what they need to feel. As you begin healing, new beliefs start to sprout (thanks to neuroplasticity), which lead to openness and new opportunities. Life starts to feel like a welcoming, limitless place.

On this journey, you might begin truly loving yourself, and get what you wanted all along – the ability to truly love others and let love in in return.

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