Our three selves

Silhouette of me, Tamarama Beach

I believe we each have three selves: the False self, True self, and Essential self. 

The False self is what you’ve constructed for the outside world. It’s an identity you believe is appropriate and acceptable, given the norms of your family and society. It’s what you present to others to please them and get approval. It worked for you as a kid, it helped you survive, but now it’s outdated, and it’s exhausting to keep up the act. 

The True self is the authentic you behind the mask, with all your thoughts, feelings, habits, judgements, and fantasies, no matter how ‘unacceptable’ they may seem. It’s who you are when you’re hanging out with yourself, or maybe with one or two others around whom you feel totally at ease. Sadly, some parts of your true self have been exiled, banished, disallowed, and you might be left feeling embarrassed or ashamed about them.

Finally, the Essential self is that behind all labels and personalities, a place without true or false, good or bad, worthy or unworthy. It’s your natural being, where love, peace, compassion, and freedom all reside. This self is often out of sight because we’re so identified with the mind, but you might experience it when you’re hiking in the woods, or swimming in the ocean, or making art, or lying in savasana. It’s the life force within you, and within which you are, and nothing can tamper with it or take it away.

When you retire your false self, love your true self, and realise your essential self, I believe you become fully alive, radiant, enough, and okay. 

There’s a sense of wellbeing no matter what happens on the outside, in other people’s behaviour or in unforeseen events. You can weather the seasons of change. You can be on your own without fear. You can relax around other people and be yourself, just as you are. 

This has been my experience ever since I quit a career in law that didn't suit me, and began doing the work of taking off my people-pleasing mask. I wish for you, too, to be unmasked, and to live authentically and in peace, this calendar year.